When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
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Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK