I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
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Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
The real reason evolution started..😂
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Jurassic park gets weird
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.