The real reason evolution started..😂
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Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
me: my friends:
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.