It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
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Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Why is this me 😫
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?