What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
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I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
That earthquake could have been an email.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9