So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
You Might Also Like
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip