My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
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Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.