Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
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11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Ugh
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.