The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
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We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Morning.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
This makes total sense…
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
They’re not wrong
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Good morning, Twitter x
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?