Morning.
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Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”