Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
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Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Good advice.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.