Me: 馃檪
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 馃槓
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 馃え
Facial recognition: no
Me: 馃槖
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 馃ゴ
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
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I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
listen, i know shrek isn鈥檛 REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pok茅mon do exist.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother鈥檚 Day
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
somebody come look at this
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it鈥檚 mine鈥t came with the suit.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Russian roulette, except it鈥檚 me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I used my husband鈥檚 shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they鈥檙e so shady
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY