Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
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I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
barbara was highly relatable
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.