I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
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My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.