I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
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Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism