I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
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If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Oops
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
#ProTip
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals