what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
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Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”