Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
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You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down