Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Lmao
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All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
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LOL
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Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.