me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
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I drew y’all a little something.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
i can’t wait that long
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.