[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
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Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”