Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
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Camping tip: No.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich