I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Hitlers gonna hitl
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.