Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
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kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.