You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
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At an art museum and I thought this was art
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
you’re so productive for your wage
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence