I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
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If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided