Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
You Might Also Like
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.