in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
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Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.