” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
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To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers