pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
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Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
What
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.