[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
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Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.