Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
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I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
what it’s like dating me:
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me