5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
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*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
SCARY COSTUME
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Steam Forums
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old