Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
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Interior design 👌
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.