Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
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Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Lmbo
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
? 💀
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
#catsoftwitter
breakfast, the most important beer of the day