My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
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*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.