Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I unironically love this joke.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.