Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
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Extremely relatable.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.