Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
You Might Also Like
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.