I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
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Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.