There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
You Might Also Like
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.