Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
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I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer