My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
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The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”