*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
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If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
It do be feeling this way.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Breaking news:
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.