[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
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Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Day 2 of my diet
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.