What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
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*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!