me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
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Aw man, but that’s the best part
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”