i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
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As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
is this store having a stroke wtf
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.