I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
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Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.