No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
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ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were