My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
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ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
damn he’s good
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
finally
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.