*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
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I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”