Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
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If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
🤣😂🤣
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Friends that check up on you >
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.